Feeling Overwhelmed?

Hey, there. I've been away from this for awhile, and have missed it. So here I am. I went to a women's conference last night, and wanted to share a couple of things that I came away from there with. In my crazy hectic life, I want so much and I try so hard to share God's love, His hope, and His joy with those around me. And I so often feel like I am failing miserably.

There is so much in my life that I must do, and that I can delegate to no one. Business concerns, my kids, maintaining my house, homeschooling my youngest daughter, taking care of my middle daughter with special needs, and being there for my oldest daughter with her concerns about transitioning into adult life....No one can do any, any, any of these things for me!!! And to say that I'm overwhelmed might be the understatement of the year.

And I am so very, very tired of feeling pathetic, and exhausted, and overwhelmed, and just complainy (Hey, if I want to coin a new word...well, it's my blog!) and what I got last night was this. If I get up every day, and hit the floor running trying to manage all of those things alone, trying to pour love and joy into all of the people around me, trying to build others up while I am falling apart, it's a recipe for disaster. If I don't first meet with God, and let Him fill me up, and renew my strength, and give me His love and joy to pour out to others, I'm trying to pour those things out from an empty vessel, and it just doesn't work! So, in the "paraphrased-to-beat-the-band" words of Isaiah 61:1-3, Jesus tells me that He was sent to bestow on me the oil of gladness instead of mourning, so that I can wear the garment of praise instead of despair. Wow!! (BTW, Isaiah 61 is one of the most awesome parts of Scripture...you have to read it! It also tells me that God was sent to bind up the brokenhearted, to release those who are imprisoned and to free captives....that was me! Is it you, right now? Because He came to set you free! If you want to know how, email me!)

So I need to get up in the morning, no matter how busy things are, and commit my steps to Him, so that He will make my path straight. And I have learned through many difficult years that when I least feel like praising Him is when I most need to praise Him! And somehow, through His awesomeness, when I praise Him despite how overwhelmed I may be, He restores me and renews me, as I get into His presence and just do what I was created to do, and praise Him.

Music: Right or Wrong

I've been going through a rather confusing time lately, in regard to music. You see, I like so much of it. I like classical, some country (what I like, I like a lot, what I don't like, I can't stand); I like bluesy, jazzy stuff and R&B (the stuff that you can listen to outside the bedroom--much of it is very sensual); I like reggae, and I love Indian (middle-eastern) music. I also love Christian music of many genres (contemporary, gospel, rock - not the hard stuff, Celtic. So, when it comes to what to listen to, there is so much that I like, I could just become consumed with listening to it.

Until the last few months, when I've been on this self-exploration, learning-who-I-really-am kick, I listened to nothing (almost, I have to have my occasional binge on some of my favorites) but Christian music. In exploring my tastes to find out what I really like, I've been frustrated that in Christian music I can't find much in the sounds that I like (jazzy stuff, or reggae, or more Celtic). So, to find those sounds that move me, I deviated off the Christian music path.

After making two trips to Kansas City in the past week, listening to different styles of music the entire way, here's what I've concluded, for me. (First, before I go there, I have to say that no music style is sinful. The lyrics may very well be, and quite often are, but I don't presume to judge anyone by what style they listen to).

On the trip last weekend, I listened to my favorite Caroline Aikens, Dan Fogelberg, and Norah Jones. And I was filled with such longing. Yes, I was moved, but I was so sad and filled with yearning for what is missing in my life. I felt such discontent with where I am, and with my aloneness at this time in my life.

So today when I went, I listened to 4 Him, and Mercy Me, and Sheila Walsh (when my voice grows up, it wants to be Sheila Walsh's voice). I listened to messages of praise, and of answered prayer, and of hope. And my day was beautiful. It was peaceful, and restful, and hopeful. And it was focused on Jesus. Not on me and my sadness, not on my aloneness, not on my worries, but on Jesus, the Author and the Perfector of my faith.

So, in conclusion, I've discovered this for myself....Secular, worldly music fills me with longing, while Christian music (in the styles that I enjoy) just fills me! Secular music draws me, but music with a Biblical message about God draws me closer to Him! Susannah Wesley once said these words, and they come to my mind now...."Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes off the relish of spiritual things; whatever increases the authority of your body over your mind, that thing, for you, is sin." And I don't think that I'm sinning by listening to some of the music that I enjoy. But I do believe that the best thing I can do for my walk with my Savior is to listen predominantly to music that brings Him glory and brings me hope.

Psalms and God's Faithfulness to Me

Once some time ago, when I was going through a very difficult time, God gave me these words of promise. I felt like He was compelling my heart to claim them as my own, His personal promise to me. I was reading in Psalm 66, and these words pierced my heart:

Oh, bless our God, you peoples!
And make the voice of His praise to be heard,
Who keeps our soul among the living,
And does not allow our feet to be moved.
For You, O God, have tested us;
You have refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net;
You laid affliction on our backs.
You have caused men to ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;
But You brought us out to rich fulfillment....

Come and hear, all you who fear God,
And I will declare what He has done for my soul.
I cried to Him with my mouth,
And He was extolled with my tongue.
If I regard iniquity in my heart,
The Lord will not hear.
But certainly God has heard me;
He has attended to the voice of my prayer.
Blessed be God,
Who has not turned away from my prayer,
Nor His mercy from me!

Now, I'm going to really go out on a limb here and get personal. Like my whole blog is not about me... I mean, it is personal. But what I mean is that I'm going to share deeply with you here, because maybe this can help someone who's hurting.

Have you ever felt like life was so very hard, that every day was so very painful, that you were being shaped and refined and molded in a fiery furnace? Maybe you didn't think about being shaped and refined, maybe you just felt like you were in Hell. Maybe you were even afraid that God would not keep your soul among the living, like something or someone could bring about your death at any moment. Maybe it wasn't real or rational, maybe it was, but you still feared it. And above all, you wanted the pain to stop, to feel full and whole and alive. When I was feeling like that some time back, God gave me the above promise to cling to for my very life, that He would surely bring me through the fire and water to a place of rich fulfillment.

If I had chosen to move away from Him at that time in my life, to choose the world's way to solve my problems, He would not have brought me to this place. But I chose to follow Him, to not take a step to the right or to the left without His peace and blessing reassuring me that it was right. After many, many years of abuse in my marriage, I knew God's peace to bring it to an end. (Understand, if you are being abused, or your children are, I do not encourage you to hang in there. I encourage you to get safe, and now. In my situation, I brought about a separation to get my children safe, although it took awhile for me to get strong enough to do so. You are worth so much more, no matter what lies you are being fed, and Jesus died so that you could live a full and rich life....get safe and do it! If you won't do it for you, remember that those children need you to get them safe. They count on you! And if you are afraid, go to my web site, get in touch with me, and I will be there for you!)

I want to close with this. God loves you so very much that He will speak to you through His Word, and He will give you His promises and His blessings in your situation, if you are living for Him. And if you are living for Him, He will bring you to a place of rich fulfillment like you have never known, and He will give you the peace, the sweet peace, that you so deeply yearn for. He has for me. Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will declare what He has done for my soul.

Psalm 139 Musings

Some time ago, in a Bible study I was doing, I was encouraged to ponder what the following Psalm meant to me, personally. God's Word warns us not to add to or to take away from His Word, so read this understanding that what is in italicized red is just my personal amplification and musing on what HIS words are saying to me. It helped me to think about how big He is, and how small I am, and YET how He loves me, loves each of us, deeply.

O Lord, You have searched me and know me.
You know my motivation, You know every thought and action. I can’t hide my self from You.
You know my sitting down, and my rising up;
There’s nothing I can do, no minor thing, that You are not aware of.
You understand my thoughts afar off.
You are not remote. You even know, better than I do, what makes me tick.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
You know what lies ahead, where I’m going, what I’ll face. You know the paths I choose, every choice I make. You’re even there with me, whether I choose right or wrong. If I choose sin, I take you there with me.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
If my words don’t show grace, if my words don’t build others up, if my words don’t glorify you, you still hear them. I can’t hide my sin from you.
You have hedged me behind and before,
You have my back. You’re protecting me. Even if I have been hurt, you have saved me from worse.
And laid Your hand upon me.
You have had your hand on me, always. There has not been anything that has happened to me that you have not known about, and allowed.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
I cannot fathom that kind of love. I’m not capable of giving it, so I can’t comprehend it.
It is high, I cannot attain it.
I will never know everything. Though I should try, I will never be like you.

Learning More About Myself

I just got back from a meeting of pro photographers, featuring a speaker who was teaching us about a software program that I have very little to no interest in. So was the evening a waste? Actually, at the beginning of the evening, a very interesting question was raised which made the entire evening worthwhile.

The presenter asked, As photographer, do you tell people comfortably that you are an artist? Can you comfortably and confidently say, 'I am an artist.' Several raised their hands. Some didn't. I began to and lowered it because I realized that my yes wasn't quite honest. Not quite. When the presenter looked questioningly at me, I had to say, I'm getting there. I'm very close.

So, she asked, What do you think makes you an artist? A lot of people think it's how good you are. 'Ah, now I'm good enough to be an artist.' She then says, That's not what makes you an artist. What makes you an artist is if you just have to do it. You have to.

So, there's my answer.

Seminar in KC

I just got back from a seminar in Kansas City, MO. What a super day! Okay, we won't talk about how I got re-routed on the way home....prior to that, with the exception of eating lunch at the most awful Italian restaurant I have ever been to, it was super. And now I'm finished with all of the exceptions. The speaker was Jack Reznicki, who is president of the national Professional Photographer's Association and an accomplished photographer in NY. The gist of the seminar was studio lighting, and getting the softest quality of lighting, which is an area I've been wanting to improve in. The beauty of the day is that all of the techniques taught utilize a small amount of space, and as excited as I am about my new home studio, I have been a little concerned about having a camera room half the size of my current one. I feel less concern after today's seminar.

And to finish off, I have this beautiful friend in KC whom I would be glad to share with you, but if you ever meet her, don't ask her what highway to take to get back to Topeka. She thinks she knows. She doesn't. I think when she comes back home to see her mom, she lets her eleven-year-old drive. Between my being directionally challenged and her transposing highway names, we make quite a pair!

Latest Photo Session

I just photographed this unbelievably precocious little girl who I'll call Mariah. Her great-grandparents hired me for the session...they knew me way back when when I photographed the great-grandma's parents 50th wedding anniversary at the ripe old age of 18. I worked at the time for Nenstiel-Chapman Photographic Artists, and my boss, "Chap" Chapman assisted me with the shoot, which I was way too green to have done alone at the time.

Anyway, all these years later, their "kids" remembered me and called me to photograph this sweet doll. They won't even see these images until two days from now, but I wanted to share a few of my favorites. Talk about a natural model! But this is our secret....

Home Decor and Finding Out Who You Are

I've been learning, lately, who I am. Heck of an accomplishment (or endeavor) for someone approaching her 42nd birthday, but there you have it.

It started with my photography career, I guess. I never knew, before I had to use the one thing I knew how to do to feed my children, that I was an artist. I can't carry a tune in a bucket, so singing for a living will never happen. I have absolutely no eye-hand coordination, even my penmanship stinks. Really. My ADHD is so rampant (I really don't bounce off walls, so don't take that too literally) that I've never been able to discipline myself to learn an instrument. My blonde hippie guitar teacher at age nine ruined it for good when he made me cut my fingernails way down. So how could I ever be artistic?

And here, post-40, I find that I am. I have an eye for the beautiful, and since I can't paint or draw, I paint with light. God is so amazing! He created each of us, and He created ways for each of us to be whole and fulfilled. My God is an awesome God. One of the things that has really amazed my right-brained self is how very much I love digital design, and really anything to do with the computer. Okay, I don't mean writing HTML here. I mean benefitting from all the hard work of the guys with the real brains.

So, the next step to finding out who I am was by studying an interior design book. Really. I've been wanting to remodel my home, and over many years I've had these conflicting ideas of what I want it to look like, and they kept changing all the time, so I've done nothing (well, finances may have had something to do with this, too, the doing nothing part--but I haven't even painted anything, because I wasn't even sure what colors are me).

So, I go to the library and get these three books on interior design. The one that was revolutionary for me was one that broke design styles into chapters. There was Art-Deco, and Traditional, and Country Cottage, and Eclectic, and Americana (I think that's all correct). See, there's the problem. I look at Country Cottage rooms, with all their white wicker, and blue and yellow flowers, and I love that. I would so love to stay in a summer cottage with a sun-room like that and enjoy my coffee and Lindor truffles and read a book. But do I want to live with it? No!

Then I look at rustic Americana kind of stuff, like my sister has such a knack for creating, and her house is so cute, and I love that old rustic stuff. What great stuff for backgrounds in portraits, old barn-wood and doors, softly out of focus! So I ask myself, is this what I want to live with? No! Which amazed me, because I love all that simple Amish-design and that old patina on an antique kitchen sideboard.

And I love antiques, so I look at the Traditional section (you'll notice I skip right over the Art-Deco--some things are no-brainers, even for me) with all of it's old and elegant style. And while I can pick out touches and pieces of furniture that make me feel all warm and wistful, I know this still isn't me. So what in the world is me, because these are the three styles I've struggled so much over! Don't I even have any style at all??

And then I find it. The Eclectic section. (My goodness, this is so telling!) With it's modern leather furniture, it's old gilt picture frames and heavy, almost gaudy, coffee tables and side tables, and all the gold and black, and rich fall colors! Wow! Just looking in this book, I felt at home. I thought, I could live in those rooms! I could curl up on that sofa with my cafe vienna and my Pride and Prejudice (okay, I haven't read the book yet, but I adore the BBC movie, and I'm going to read it!) and feel at complete peace. I peeled off another layer of finding out who I really am.

If you haven't watched Runaway Bride lately, you should. I just did a few weeks ago, and I got it in a way I never have before. This is not a romance. It's all about finding out who you are! What kind of eggs do you like? Goodness, I just recently discovered that my favorite breakfast in the world is Brie and bagels, with grapes and green tea! I love that we're never too old to make new discoveries. And that I didn't die before I started learning these things about myself.

So, does my home decor define who I am? Absolutely not! Nor do my bank statements, or my Lexus (one can dream) or anything around me that I can see or touch. What defines me is my heart, and what I choose to do with my heart and with Jesus. That's all. But in this temporal world, where beauty can be appreciated and even sought after, I'm enjoying finding out more about who I really am. Not who someone close to me has tried to make me to be, or who I tried to be so that I could be at peace or please any other person. I am enjoying finding out who I am.

My Amazing Kids

I have the most amazing kids.

My youngest daughter has such an eye for art. She doesn't even realize how good her eye is for composition, for color harmony, for light and posing. She has no interest at this point in photography (mostly, I think, because all the controls on a camera baffle her, like they used to do to me, and still do on occasion). It's tough when you're right-brained, and you know what would look great, but you have to learn those manual creative controls on the camera to get what you're after. Anyway, she wants to go into counseling. She's not quite fifteen, so she has some time to figure out what she wants to do. She listens to God, so she'll get it right in the end.

My oldest daughter is in college in another state, actually two colleges, getting a dual degree in nursing and Bible. She is getting such good scholarships that she's practically getting a free ride--she sent me a huge check today because her scholarships and grants exceeded by double what she needed for the semester. And, she paid off her car! The truly amazing part is that she voluntarily sent me a huge amount she could have kept to make her life easier, but she sent it to me to pay toward the nominal college loan I've had to take out on her.

There isn't even enough cyber-space for me to tell you all the reasons I'm proud of my girls.

My middle daughter is an absolute blast. Like my oldest, she will be 20 this month. Her favorite things to do are to have a balloon go whizzing past her head because I blew it up and let it go, to have Dr. Seuss read out loud in an animated voice, to have bubbles blown around her head, and to play "catch" with a soft ball (as long as the thrower strategically aims toward her lap, so she can catch it). She has no teeth (her last ones got removed less than a year ago), so she makes the absolute most hysterical old-lady faces. Sometimes I think she does it just to make me laugh. She can't talk and tell me, so I have to guess. She has a purple and black wheelchair, and a love of life that makes me smile when days are very long and hard. She is my sunshine. And I know she loves me, because she yawns every time I kiss her. She doesn't do that for anyone else, just me.

I have the most amazing God. Much has gone wrong in my life, but these girls make everything right with the world. God knows me so very well, and he gave me these three kids who are so very different, and so very perfect for me. I love them all so differently, but I love them all equally.

Did I tell you that my kids are not perfect? They're not. Heaven forbid! What would they ever do with me if they were! They would have thrown their hands up, as soon as they were old enough to walk out the door, and said, Enough already! The woman's nuts! Save me! But instead, they were given to a mom who loves them with all their bumps and wrinkles. Call it unconditional love, or call it self-preservation....I mean, if I love them that way, they have to hang in there with me during the tough times, too, right? That's just good planning, the way I see it. I won't be a lonely old lady.

You gotta know you've done something right when you're the one your kiddo calls from college just because she wants to talk. You gotta know there's God (I didn't say a god, some random impersonal being, but God!), when you mess up like I have, and have these kids to show for it. You gotta know!

Busy with My Move

I haven't posted for a few days because I've been so busy with my move. My photography business is run from my home, for the most part, but I've been renting a camera room for all indoor photo shoots that aren't on locations. I have to move by the end of April, since I'm not renewing my lease, so I'm converting my master bedroom into a camera room!

I'm really pretty excited about the move, for several reasons. I have a daughter who has cerebral palsy (she'll be 20 this month!) to whom I'll be closer to when I'm doing a session. I'll have even more flexiblity with my clients. I'll be able to go in at 11pm and practice lighting techniques if I want! Okay, 10pm, while my other daughter is still awake to model for me! Also, I have a cool fake brick wall that is actually authentic enough to not look tacky, so I can do alley shots in the dead of winter without the senior or me freezing our butts off! YEAH!

Hey, I don't think I've mentioned who I am and what my business is! I'm in Topeka, Kansas, and my business is Portraits by Cheri. My web site is www.cherisimages.com . As I said, I work mostly from my home, which will change to completely from my home within the next 10 weeks or so.

Elephants and Blessings

I was watching a PBS program this evening about African elephants. The narrator had followed a particular herd of female elephants for 15 years, an elephant family that he came to know by distinct personalities and traits. Over the years, he was amazed at how much playful fun the elephants would have, frolicking in water holes and such. Then he got an opportunity to go to the desert in Namibia and witness some elephants there. The narrator was amazed at the differences he saw in the elephants there, trekking across the desert where water holes might be 70km apart. Those elephants were all about life and death, about survival. There was no light-hearted playfulness there, just living, getting to that next life-sustaining drink.

We Americans are do not appreciate enough, I think, our Savanna. We take for granted the lushness and the sheer plenty that is all around us. For us, not having enough is driving a 10-yr.-old vehicle. It's not starving (for most of us). Good grief, have you heard of Bling bottled water, which costs a disgraceful $450 each, sought after by the incredibly vain and shallow creature who has more money than sense, and just has to have what is unattainable for the rest of us?? While leprosy can be stopped in its tracks for $150 per patient, and $175 can buy a source of fuel for a family in an African village, and some lost souls are out there spending $450 for a dog-gone drink of water.

But, I digress. My point is that we Americans, and other privileged citizens of other countries, are in great part clueless about how the rest of the world has it. I cannot imagine not getting a hot bath on occasion. Now, I can imagine not having time for one. But I cannot imagine never in my entire life having a hot, soapy bath, or even one in clean, albeit cold, water.

We have much, much, much to be thankful for, every single day.