Home Decor and Finding Out Who You Are

I've been learning, lately, who I am. Heck of an accomplishment (or endeavor) for someone approaching her 42nd birthday, but there you have it.

It started with my photography career, I guess. I never knew, before I had to use the one thing I knew how to do to feed my children, that I was an artist. I can't carry a tune in a bucket, so singing for a living will never happen. I have absolutely no eye-hand coordination, even my penmanship stinks. Really. My ADHD is so rampant (I really don't bounce off walls, so don't take that too literally) that I've never been able to discipline myself to learn an instrument. My blonde hippie guitar teacher at age nine ruined it for good when he made me cut my fingernails way down. So how could I ever be artistic?

And here, post-40, I find that I am. I have an eye for the beautiful, and since I can't paint or draw, I paint with light. God is so amazing! He created each of us, and He created ways for each of us to be whole and fulfilled. My God is an awesome God. One of the things that has really amazed my right-brained self is how very much I love digital design, and really anything to do with the computer. Okay, I don't mean writing HTML here. I mean benefitting from all the hard work of the guys with the real brains.

So, the next step to finding out who I am was by studying an interior design book. Really. I've been wanting to remodel my home, and over many years I've had these conflicting ideas of what I want it to look like, and they kept changing all the time, so I've done nothing (well, finances may have had something to do with this, too, the doing nothing part--but I haven't even painted anything, because I wasn't even sure what colors are me).

So, I go to the library and get these three books on interior design. The one that was revolutionary for me was one that broke design styles into chapters. There was Art-Deco, and Traditional, and Country Cottage, and Eclectic, and Americana (I think that's all correct). See, there's the problem. I look at Country Cottage rooms, with all their white wicker, and blue and yellow flowers, and I love that. I would so love to stay in a summer cottage with a sun-room like that and enjoy my coffee and Lindor truffles and read a book. But do I want to live with it? No!

Then I look at rustic Americana kind of stuff, like my sister has such a knack for creating, and her house is so cute, and I love that old rustic stuff. What great stuff for backgrounds in portraits, old barn-wood and doors, softly out of focus! So I ask myself, is this what I want to live with? No! Which amazed me, because I love all that simple Amish-design and that old patina on an antique kitchen sideboard.

And I love antiques, so I look at the Traditional section (you'll notice I skip right over the Art-Deco--some things are no-brainers, even for me) with all of it's old and elegant style. And while I can pick out touches and pieces of furniture that make me feel all warm and wistful, I know this still isn't me. So what in the world is me, because these are the three styles I've struggled so much over! Don't I even have any style at all??

And then I find it. The Eclectic section. (My goodness, this is so telling!) With it's modern leather furniture, it's old gilt picture frames and heavy, almost gaudy, coffee tables and side tables, and all the gold and black, and rich fall colors! Wow! Just looking in this book, I felt at home. I thought, I could live in those rooms! I could curl up on that sofa with my cafe vienna and my Pride and Prejudice (okay, I haven't read the book yet, but I adore the BBC movie, and I'm going to read it!) and feel at complete peace. I peeled off another layer of finding out who I really am.

If you haven't watched Runaway Bride lately, you should. I just did a few weeks ago, and I got it in a way I never have before. This is not a romance. It's all about finding out who you are! What kind of eggs do you like? Goodness, I just recently discovered that my favorite breakfast in the world is Brie and bagels, with grapes and green tea! I love that we're never too old to make new discoveries. And that I didn't die before I started learning these things about myself.

So, does my home decor define who I am? Absolutely not! Nor do my bank statements, or my Lexus (one can dream) or anything around me that I can see or touch. What defines me is my heart, and what I choose to do with my heart and with Jesus. That's all. But in this temporal world, where beauty can be appreciated and even sought after, I'm enjoying finding out more about who I really am. Not who someone close to me has tried to make me to be, or who I tried to be so that I could be at peace or please any other person. I am enjoying finding out who I am.