Feeling Overwhelmed?

Hey, there. I've been away from this for awhile, and have missed it. So here I am. I went to a women's conference last night, and wanted to share a couple of things that I came away from there with. In my crazy hectic life, I want so much and I try so hard to share God's love, His hope, and His joy with those around me. And I so often feel like I am failing miserably.

There is so much in my life that I must do, and that I can delegate to no one. Business concerns, my kids, maintaining my house, homeschooling my youngest daughter, taking care of my middle daughter with special needs, and being there for my oldest daughter with her concerns about transitioning into adult life....No one can do any, any, any of these things for me!!! And to say that I'm overwhelmed might be the understatement of the year.

And I am so very, very tired of feeling pathetic, and exhausted, and overwhelmed, and just complainy (Hey, if I want to coin a new word...well, it's my blog!) and what I got last night was this. If I get up every day, and hit the floor running trying to manage all of those things alone, trying to pour love and joy into all of the people around me, trying to build others up while I am falling apart, it's a recipe for disaster. If I don't first meet with God, and let Him fill me up, and renew my strength, and give me His love and joy to pour out to others, I'm trying to pour those things out from an empty vessel, and it just doesn't work! So, in the "paraphrased-to-beat-the-band" words of Isaiah 61:1-3, Jesus tells me that He was sent to bestow on me the oil of gladness instead of mourning, so that I can wear the garment of praise instead of despair. Wow!! (BTW, Isaiah 61 is one of the most awesome parts of Scripture...you have to read it! It also tells me that God was sent to bind up the brokenhearted, to release those who are imprisoned and to free captives....that was me! Is it you, right now? Because He came to set you free! If you want to know how, email me!)

So I need to get up in the morning, no matter how busy things are, and commit my steps to Him, so that He will make my path straight. And I have learned through many difficult years that when I least feel like praising Him is when I most need to praise Him! And somehow, through His awesomeness, when I praise Him despite how overwhelmed I may be, He restores me and renews me, as I get into His presence and just do what I was created to do, and praise Him.

Music: Right or Wrong

I've been going through a rather confusing time lately, in regard to music. You see, I like so much of it. I like classical, some country (what I like, I like a lot, what I don't like, I can't stand); I like bluesy, jazzy stuff and R&B (the stuff that you can listen to outside the bedroom--much of it is very sensual); I like reggae, and I love Indian (middle-eastern) music. I also love Christian music of many genres (contemporary, gospel, rock - not the hard stuff, Celtic. So, when it comes to what to listen to, there is so much that I like, I could just become consumed with listening to it.

Until the last few months, when I've been on this self-exploration, learning-who-I-really-am kick, I listened to nothing (almost, I have to have my occasional binge on some of my favorites) but Christian music. In exploring my tastes to find out what I really like, I've been frustrated that in Christian music I can't find much in the sounds that I like (jazzy stuff, or reggae, or more Celtic). So, to find those sounds that move me, I deviated off the Christian music path.

After making two trips to Kansas City in the past week, listening to different styles of music the entire way, here's what I've concluded, for me. (First, before I go there, I have to say that no music style is sinful. The lyrics may very well be, and quite often are, but I don't presume to judge anyone by what style they listen to).

On the trip last weekend, I listened to my favorite Caroline Aikens, Dan Fogelberg, and Norah Jones. And I was filled with such longing. Yes, I was moved, but I was so sad and filled with yearning for what is missing in my life. I felt such discontent with where I am, and with my aloneness at this time in my life.

So today when I went, I listened to 4 Him, and Mercy Me, and Sheila Walsh (when my voice grows up, it wants to be Sheila Walsh's voice). I listened to messages of praise, and of answered prayer, and of hope. And my day was beautiful. It was peaceful, and restful, and hopeful. And it was focused on Jesus. Not on me and my sadness, not on my aloneness, not on my worries, but on Jesus, the Author and the Perfector of my faith.

So, in conclusion, I've discovered this for myself....Secular, worldly music fills me with longing, while Christian music (in the styles that I enjoy) just fills me! Secular music draws me, but music with a Biblical message about God draws me closer to Him! Susannah Wesley once said these words, and they come to my mind now...."Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes off the relish of spiritual things; whatever increases the authority of your body over your mind, that thing, for you, is sin." And I don't think that I'm sinning by listening to some of the music that I enjoy. But I do believe that the best thing I can do for my walk with my Savior is to listen predominantly to music that brings Him glory and brings me hope.

Psalms and God's Faithfulness to Me

Once some time ago, when I was going through a very difficult time, God gave me these words of promise. I felt like He was compelling my heart to claim them as my own, His personal promise to me. I was reading in Psalm 66, and these words pierced my heart:

Oh, bless our God, you peoples!
And make the voice of His praise to be heard,
Who keeps our soul among the living,
And does not allow our feet to be moved.
For You, O God, have tested us;
You have refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net;
You laid affliction on our backs.
You have caused men to ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;
But You brought us out to rich fulfillment....

Come and hear, all you who fear God,
And I will declare what He has done for my soul.
I cried to Him with my mouth,
And He was extolled with my tongue.
If I regard iniquity in my heart,
The Lord will not hear.
But certainly God has heard me;
He has attended to the voice of my prayer.
Blessed be God,
Who has not turned away from my prayer,
Nor His mercy from me!

Now, I'm going to really go out on a limb here and get personal. Like my whole blog is not about me... I mean, it is personal. But what I mean is that I'm going to share deeply with you here, because maybe this can help someone who's hurting.

Have you ever felt like life was so very hard, that every day was so very painful, that you were being shaped and refined and molded in a fiery furnace? Maybe you didn't think about being shaped and refined, maybe you just felt like you were in Hell. Maybe you were even afraid that God would not keep your soul among the living, like something or someone could bring about your death at any moment. Maybe it wasn't real or rational, maybe it was, but you still feared it. And above all, you wanted the pain to stop, to feel full and whole and alive. When I was feeling like that some time back, God gave me the above promise to cling to for my very life, that He would surely bring me through the fire and water to a place of rich fulfillment.

If I had chosen to move away from Him at that time in my life, to choose the world's way to solve my problems, He would not have brought me to this place. But I chose to follow Him, to not take a step to the right or to the left without His peace and blessing reassuring me that it was right. After many, many years of abuse in my marriage, I knew God's peace to bring it to an end. (Understand, if you are being abused, or your children are, I do not encourage you to hang in there. I encourage you to get safe, and now. In my situation, I brought about a separation to get my children safe, although it took awhile for me to get strong enough to do so. You are worth so much more, no matter what lies you are being fed, and Jesus died so that you could live a full and rich life....get safe and do it! If you won't do it for you, remember that those children need you to get them safe. They count on you! And if you are afraid, go to my web site, get in touch with me, and I will be there for you!)

I want to close with this. God loves you so very much that He will speak to you through His Word, and He will give you His promises and His blessings in your situation, if you are living for Him. And if you are living for Him, He will bring you to a place of rich fulfillment like you have never known, and He will give you the peace, the sweet peace, that you so deeply yearn for. He has for me. Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will declare what He has done for my soul.

Psalm 139 Musings

Some time ago, in a Bible study I was doing, I was encouraged to ponder what the following Psalm meant to me, personally. God's Word warns us not to add to or to take away from His Word, so read this understanding that what is in italicized red is just my personal amplification and musing on what HIS words are saying to me. It helped me to think about how big He is, and how small I am, and YET how He loves me, loves each of us, deeply.

O Lord, You have searched me and know me.
You know my motivation, You know every thought and action. I can’t hide my self from You.
You know my sitting down, and my rising up;
There’s nothing I can do, no minor thing, that You are not aware of.
You understand my thoughts afar off.
You are not remote. You even know, better than I do, what makes me tick.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
You know what lies ahead, where I’m going, what I’ll face. You know the paths I choose, every choice I make. You’re even there with me, whether I choose right or wrong. If I choose sin, I take you there with me.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
If my words don’t show grace, if my words don’t build others up, if my words don’t glorify you, you still hear them. I can’t hide my sin from you.
You have hedged me behind and before,
You have my back. You’re protecting me. Even if I have been hurt, you have saved me from worse.
And laid Your hand upon me.
You have had your hand on me, always. There has not been anything that has happened to me that you have not known about, and allowed.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
I cannot fathom that kind of love. I’m not capable of giving it, so I can’t comprehend it.
It is high, I cannot attain it.
I will never know everything. Though I should try, I will never be like you.

Learning More About Myself

I just got back from a meeting of pro photographers, featuring a speaker who was teaching us about a software program that I have very little to no interest in. So was the evening a waste? Actually, at the beginning of the evening, a very interesting question was raised which made the entire evening worthwhile.

The presenter asked, As photographer, do you tell people comfortably that you are an artist? Can you comfortably and confidently say, 'I am an artist.' Several raised their hands. Some didn't. I began to and lowered it because I realized that my yes wasn't quite honest. Not quite. When the presenter looked questioningly at me, I had to say, I'm getting there. I'm very close.

So, she asked, What do you think makes you an artist? A lot of people think it's how good you are. 'Ah, now I'm good enough to be an artist.' She then says, That's not what makes you an artist. What makes you an artist is if you just have to do it. You have to.

So, there's my answer.

Seminar in KC

I just got back from a seminar in Kansas City, MO. What a super day! Okay, we won't talk about how I got re-routed on the way home....prior to that, with the exception of eating lunch at the most awful Italian restaurant I have ever been to, it was super. And now I'm finished with all of the exceptions. The speaker was Jack Reznicki, who is president of the national Professional Photographer's Association and an accomplished photographer in NY. The gist of the seminar was studio lighting, and getting the softest quality of lighting, which is an area I've been wanting to improve in. The beauty of the day is that all of the techniques taught utilize a small amount of space, and as excited as I am about my new home studio, I have been a little concerned about having a camera room half the size of my current one. I feel less concern after today's seminar.

And to finish off, I have this beautiful friend in KC whom I would be glad to share with you, but if you ever meet her, don't ask her what highway to take to get back to Topeka. She thinks she knows. She doesn't. I think when she comes back home to see her mom, she lets her eleven-year-old drive. Between my being directionally challenged and her transposing highway names, we make quite a pair!

Latest Photo Session

I just photographed this unbelievably precocious little girl who I'll call Mariah. Her great-grandparents hired me for the session...they knew me way back when when I photographed the great-grandma's parents 50th wedding anniversary at the ripe old age of 18. I worked at the time for Nenstiel-Chapman Photographic Artists, and my boss, "Chap" Chapman assisted me with the shoot, which I was way too green to have done alone at the time.

Anyway, all these years later, their "kids" remembered me and called me to photograph this sweet doll. They won't even see these images until two days from now, but I wanted to share a few of my favorites. Talk about a natural model! But this is our secret....